“Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse & carriage. This I tell you brother, you can’t have one without the other…” – Love and Marriage, Frank Sinatra
Did you suddenly get a mental image of the popular 90’s television classic Married With Children? Yeah, I did too, that song is synonymous with that show. Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Does anyone else ever feel like they got on the wrong bus? Somewhere along the lines everyone around me figured out what they wanted out of life and got off at their respective destinations to get on the right bus – the bus that would lead them to their purpose. Not me, I’m still on the bus and I have no idea where I’m going.
As I take in the scenic views around me I find myself in a consistent pensive state. I am focused on several aspects of my life – my career (or lack thereof – what the HELL should I be doing for a living?), school (should I have chosen another major in college, perhaps one that would secure financial freedom?), travel (trips that I should’ve taken and trips that I plan to take), and lastly – love… and marriage.
With the influx of male attention that I’ve been receiving I’ve noticed that I’m not as enthused as I thought I would be. I should be excited about the possibility of getting one step closer to marriage, but I don’t quite have that feeling. I actually have the opposite feeling. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the experience of getting to know someone new, enjoying nice meals and intellectual conversations, and/or going on new adventures with new friends, but there’s just something that these new encounters isn’t doing and I can’t put my finger on it. Could it be fear? I think that’s it. The thought of spending my life with one man scares the shit out of me.
I find myself walking down memory lane (probably far more often than I should) having one-sided conversations with myself. Do we just settle; do we all (men & women) just decide to marry our “safe” choice? Is it odd that I am more excited about the wedding than the marriage? Do we embark on a life with the one that has consistently shown us unconditional love even though the packaging isn’t ideal (kids, baby mama/daddy drama, minimal education, low paying job, overweight, shorter than our ideal preferences)? Do we marry the guy with different religious beliefs because “it’s not that big of a deal”? Do we marry the guy who delivers a lackluster performance in bed, but tries his best because he loves you wholeheartedly?
What is it exactly? I want to know what women feel when they decide to say “yes” while simultaneously crying as their boyfriend proposes to them. How do you know without the shadow of a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Is there a look that he gives you letting you know that everything will be alright? Does the Almighty speak to you in your dreams? Do you feel an awakening in a dormant part of your heart? What is it?
Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should just stay on this bus and see where the driver takes me next because that’s part of life right – enjoying all the twists and turns that come with it. Maybe the answers for the questions that I seek are subjective and I will know when the time is right. God I hope so, because the ambiguity is driving me insane.
For now I’ll work on enjoying the ride, taking notes, and thinking about being ready when my stop comes up. The words of L Boogie come to mind as I ponder, “How you gonna win when you ain’t right within… Uh uh, come again…” Word, gotta get right within first…
Until next time friends!