I Got 99 Problems, but a D**k Ain’t One!

“This is my penis song, I wish that I had a bigger schlong…” The Penis Song, Macklemore

“Oh the perils of being a woman” – I’ve said this aloud too many times.  Whether in my bed with a heating pad and a hot cup of peppermint tea to soothe my “lady pains” or trying to squeeze into a garment of clothing  when I’m a bloated mess.   While these things drive me insane (I’m sure I’m not the only one), it comes with the package of being a woman and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I love getting dressed up, putting on makeup, shaving my legs (I know it’s weird, but I actually do),  and embracing  my  sexy (there is nothing sexier than a woman comfortable in her womanhood if you ask me).

I’ve never wished I were a man – well kind of.  You know those nights that you’re out and about with friends, drinking and having a ball and you can’t find a clean bathroom to use?  That’s the time when I wish I were a man.  I envy the man and his penis at that very moment.  He doesn’t have to worry about finding a stall with tissue or a commode that doesn’t have urine all over it or walking into a port-o-potty with vile odors.  Men have the luxury of simply whipping their penises out and handling business wherever they want and relieving themselves.  No monthly “lady pains” or bloat.  Life must be simpler with a penis, right?

While watching NY Med on ABC last night I cracked up hysterically as I listened to the exchange between a female urologist (a doctor that specializes in surgical and medical diseases of the male and female urinary tract system and the male reproductive organs) and her patient.  I exactly know what was wrong with this man’s penis, but he called her while in pain for urgent assistance.   To assess his issue the urologist asked the gentleman to measure his penis (I assume the measurement of his penis would provide her with insight on his ailment).  The conversation went like this:

Doctor:  How many inches is it?

Patient: 4 and 3/4″.

Doctor: Do you have a ruler?

 I need you to measure it erect.

Patient: It is erect!


What the hell?  My mind was flooded with a barrage of relevant hashtags as I laughed I cried.  #TheStruggle #WhoIsHeImpregnanting #CanIyanlaFixIt #HisPenisDoesntWannaGrowUpItsAToysARUsKid #HisPenisRepresentsTheLollipopKids #HisPenisSingsItsASmallWorldAfterAll #HisPenisNeedsNoveltyCondoms

I laughed and laughed some more.  That was so embarrassing.  My laughter shifted to sympathy within minutes.  Poor thing.  What kind of quality of life does he have?  What does it feel like to walk around with a small penis? 4 and 3/4″ (he had to let his doctor know that he had that extra 3/4 of an inch – haha).

According to the Huffington Post the average American penis size (when erect) is 5.6″ (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/14/average-penis-size-american-men_n_3591649.html).  This can’t be true!  5.6″ is the average size?

I'm sure this man wouldn't mind 5.6".  He was a contestant in Williamsburg "Smallest Penis Contest" last year. #TheStruggle
I’m sure this man wouldn’t mind 5.6″. He (27 y.o Nick Gilronan) was the winner of the “Smallest Penis Contest” in Williamsburg Brooklyn last year. #TheStruggle

I find that hard to swallow (no pun intended).  Maybe that’s enough.  You know the age old saying, “It’s not about the size of the boat, but more so the motion in the ocean”.  While this may be true, I’m sure most men would rather go into an “ocean” with a bigger “boat”.  Who the hell wants an S.S. Minnow when you can have a luxury yacht?  While 5.6″ may be the average or norm, there are those that deviate from the norm.  Thank God for “abnormalities”.

In all seriousness though, as woman we can “dance” around our “short comings”.  Small chested?  Get a push up bra with “chicken cutlets”.  Booty do (You gut sticks out more than your “booty do”)?  Not to worry, get a body shaper.  Jiggly, cellulite ridden thighs?  No problem – Spanx will fix that.  No booty?  You needn’t worry – they have butt pads to help your illness, “Nasatall” (No Ass At All).

But what about men?  What can they do to make their petite penis appear more alluring to the opposite (or maybe the same sex depending on which team you play for) sex?  Talk about pressure – pressure that I will not nor do I ever want to understand.  In the words of Jay-Z (with a slight twist), “I got 99 problems but a dick ain’t one – hit me!”


Until next time friends!

Pennie Penz


5 thoughts on “I Got 99 Problems, but a D**k Ain’t One!

  1. Loves it. This was a fabulous and thought provoking read. Yes if you are not blessed with a wonderful, beautiful, umm words can’t describe penis, what do you do? Or are there women out there who would make beautiful music with a small…excuse me average size penis? IJS

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