“He has a mole… I hardly noticed it too, but as the night went on, it got bigger and bigger until it was all I could see. Ugh, it was disgusting.” – The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Hilary Banks
Do you remember that episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? It was the one in which Will was flunking a college course and hooked his professor up with his cousin Hilary with hopes of them hitting it off so he could pass the class. Will thought that it would be a good idea for Hilary to start dating again because she hadn’t dated since the death of her fiance, Trevor. They went on a date and she enjoyed his company, but as the night went on she began to find his mole more and more repulsive (to view the episode click here, or fast forward to the 9:44 mark to see Hilary speak about her date with the professor –> http://www.tvids.net/watch284/The-Fresh-Prince-of-Bel-Air/season-04-episode-11-Take-My-Cousin—-Please).
Hilary didn’t have an issue with the professor’s mole, she was repulsed by this man (first it was his mole then it was his Adam’s apple) because he wasn’t Trevor. I think that Hilary did what all women do – she found the “mole” (usually trivial flaws or faults) with the new man that came into her life.
What’s your “mole”? Too short? Doesn’t make enough money? He didn’t finish college? He has children? He doesn’t dress as fashionable as you’d like him to? He’s not romantic enough? He’s too nice? We all have one, I know I do – and I noticed my “moles” with Thai last week during date #7.
During date #7 (click here for deets –> https://unicorninbrooklyn.com/2014/07/14/how-many-dates-does-it-take/) I caught myself fixating on his height. I’ve been out with him on six different occasions and have come to terms with the fact that he’s the shortest man that I’ve ever dated. He’s no taller than 5’9″ (which is somewhat short to me because I’m 5’7″ and wear a lot of 3″ and 4″ heels thus making me 5’10″/5’11”), yet it bothered me immensely on Friday evening. I first noticed it when he came into the kitchen to watch me cook. Unbeknownst to him I, I stood next to him and measured his height against mine as we stood shoulder to shoulder to see who was taller (I thought I was). I took notice of his height again after dessert when we proceeded to dance to one of my favorite Isley Brother classics, Voyage to Atlantis (click below to listen).
It was a sweet moment, we danced in my living room; his hands around my waist and my hands around his neck as we sang to the lyrics to each other. We swayed from side to side and danced in a slow circle thoroughly enjoying the moment. I didn’t mean to do it, but I did – I happened to catch a glimpse of us in the mirror above my loveseat. “OMG, is this man shrinking? Wasn’t he just 5’9″ two hours ago? Why is he like 5’6″ right now? I’m taller than him. I am barefoot in this bitch and I’m taller than him! I want this song to be over because this isn’t sweet anymore, it’s weird” – is all that I could think. I freaked out, something like Hilary did, but I didn’t let him know it. When the next song came on, a more upbeat Ryan Leslie cut, Just Right, we switched up our dancing style and I had my back to him. Again I glimpsed at us in the mirror, but noticed something different, he didn’t shrink – I was clearly tripping.
As the date continued I noticed something else, nervous laughter at the most bizarre moments. Now I’ve been told by friends and family that I can come off a bit strong and intimidate people in the process (which I don’t see, but that’s an entirely different story) so maybe this warranted his deranged awkward laughter. I didn’t hold it against him, I simply took notice. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t annoying enough for me to end the date early or anything.
Why was this happening? Why was I picking him apart like a vulture on a dead carcass? Was it because we’re getting closer and the feelings are intensifying? I know that I’m not alone – a lot of women do this. Could it be that we pick the new men in our lives apart or compare them to the to ex-boyfriends or ex-boo “thangs” out of fear? Do we secretly feel that the new man may let us down the same way that trifling ex of ours did? Do we look at him and wonder if he’s too good to be true and that by finding fault(s) in him it’ll be easier to remain distant and protect our feelings and hearts?
I’m guilty, I’m a runner. I’m quick to point out random idiosyncrasies that I dislike with a new man in my life because I am scared to be vulnerable. When one is vulnerable all defenses are down and one’s safety and well-being is compromised. I find myself thinking about the last time I was vulnerable with a man (that was back in 2012 with my last boyfriend) and how much heartbreak and heartache came with that vulnerability. While I think about the hurt of that failed relationship I’ve become appreciative of the fact that being vulnerable didn’t break me. While it is a scary feeling, it does have one great reward – vulnerability allows you to let love in.
I’ve matured over the years and realized that I may not have all the things that a prospective mate may want their girlfriend or wife. I’m sure that I have my fair share of annoying idiosyncrasies that will make a potential boyfriend or husband second guess being with me. By accepting this I’ve learned that I have to let certain trivial things go.
With my maturity comes another realization and acceptance of the 80/20 rule – a rule created by Italian economist Vincent Pareto that basically states that for many events roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle). While this rule is economically based, it has a lot of relevance to relationships. In a fairly healthy relationship you pretty much get 80% of what you want – that’s all folks – so we may as well get comfortable!
I’m focused on the 80% right now: he treats me good, he makes me laugh, he’s intelligent, and he’s sweet. Do I wish he were taller? Of course I do, but is that enough for me to stop dating him? No, it isn’t. Do I wish he’d relax a little bit more around me so he could stop laughing like a nervous teenage boy that’s on his first date with his crush? Hell yes, but it’s not that deep – its actually endearing to know that I cause someone to have butterflies around me. Thai may just be the one to make me believe in love again, but I’ll never know if I keep fixating on his “mole”.
Until next time friends!
~ Pennie Penz