“Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…. On and on. Time goes on… Never stops… Just goes on…” – Time Goes On, En Vogue
I woke up and I could feel something on my chest. I could see that the sun was still out as an abundant amount of sunlight was shining through the cheap chalk white blinds in my hospital room. To my left – various colorful and sweet smelling bouquets of flowers, to my right – a few balloons and a potted plant and cards rested on the tray close to my bed. I couldn’t make out the wording on the balloons because my vision was a bit blurry. I was so tired – physically exhausted; my body felt like it’d just survived a train wreck. I looked down and saw it – a baby. I smiled immediately and was drawn into its peace. I inhaled my newborn’s scent and was immediately “drunk in love”. I knew firsthand what it felt like to fall in love at first sight – and intensely at that.
My baby was swaddled in a pale blue blanked – ahhh, I have a son! I just gave birth to a son, beautiful. I could see dark brown hair peeking from underneath his little hat and admired the way it laid on his light brown skin. I was excited and then confused – I have a newborn son, but ummmm who’s the father?
Then I woke up… from my dream. It was all so real. I felt the love that only a mother can feel for her baby. I blinked a few times in my bed as I looked up at my ceiling in confusion and in reflection. That was probably the first time in my adult life that a dream about giving birth had shaken me up and left such a lasting impression on me. For the first time in my life, I was cognizant of my biological clock – and it has been ticking loudly since that dream.
I’m 32 (a few months shy of 33) and have found myself thinking about what life would be like for me as a mother. Am I ready to have a baby tomorrow – HELL no (I have some traveling and soul-searching to do), but I will say that if I was blessed with life, I don’t think that I’d be as distraught as I would’ve been a few short years ago. I’m a lot calmer now, I feel that having a child (with the right man) would be amazing.
Still, I am faced with the inevitable question of “who am I going to create life with”? Hmmm… You’ve read my dating ups and downs. I’m nowhere near the point of conception. However, my mind is conceivably vision being pregnant and becoming a loving mother to a baby.
Do you remember where you were or how old you were when you started to hear your biological clock? Was it an obnoxious tick-tock-tick-tock? Have you hit “snooze” on it because you’re not ready to acknowledge yet? Really though – at what point in your life did you realize that you were ready to become a mother?
You would think that my biological clock started ticking in my late 20’s or early 30’s (especially since I was in a serious relationship), but that wasn’t the case. I was too busy having “fun” (traveling, dating, exploring different hobbies) and being free. I recall an afternoon at work (I was 31) when my hard of hearing (and LOUD talking colleague came over to my desk to have small talk – you know the usual, “how was the weekend? How are you feeling today? Did you go outside for lunch”, etc. I don’t know what possessed him to ask me my age, but he did and I honestly responded (I had nothing to hide). He proceeded to screech and cause several colleagues to look at him like he was a mad man. To make matters worse he tells me “Girl you better hurry and have some kids or freeze your eggs before you’re all dried up.”
Sigh…. Was I offended? No, because I wasn’t thinking about having na’an baby at that time and knew that he came from a good place. However, I was taken aback by how aloof he was. That man had no idea if I had been trying to have a child, but had infertility issues. He didn’t know if I’d recently had a miscarriage. He didn’t know and I’ve found that this audacious line of questioning seems to be the norm amongst people that are “coming from a good place”.
In the last year alone I have found that so many around me (elders, family, and friends) repetitively ask me when I am going to have a child. They don’t stop there – they ask my age then ask me why I haven’t given birth with a look of disgust on their faces as if I have three heads. When did this become okay to put a person’s fertility or desire to have children on blast?
It seems that whenever I ask my married friends about their decision to start a family the general consensus is “we didn’t plan this – it just happened.” Maybe that’s what will happen to me. Maybe I will just “happen” to meet the right man for me (why do I feel like I’m going to meet him when I’m abroad? Read more about my upcoming trip to the middle east and SE Asia here –> https://unicorninbrooklyn.com/2014/08/22/unicorn-in-dubai-thailand-cambodia/) and just “happen” to get knocked up (before or after marriage – who knows).
Although it must be a rather joyous occasion, I can also imagine that it is a very scary time. You willingly give up your freedom, your body (carrying a baby for damn near 10 months takes its toll on a woman’s body), sleep and a heap load of cash. Is it worth it? I guess it depends on whom you ask.
That dream took place weeks ago, but I still think about it as if it happened last night. I sometimes look at my dreams and think that they’re premonitions to my life. Their extremely vivid and make me believe that they are brief glimpses of what is to come. Who knows? Until then I will be looking for the snooze button on my alarm clock so I can continue to travel, immerse myself in my passion, and find long-lasting peace.
Until next time friends!